Dr. Appi’s blog

Alright so no one is answering their phones when I want to hang out. One of the rare times where I feel like I need human contact and no one is answering their phones so we can hang out. What the hell is that? I am going to do this instead then. The last two days have been filled with people saying great things to me. One of my more artistically inclined friends told me I was creative and that something I have always wanted to hear from him. Then another finally admitted that he loved me, I always knew but it is nice to hear. I have to not make scenes around him or he becomes uncomfortable so I am making a scene here. I am going to my little brothers "roundup" for lack of a better word tomorrow so I can see some of my old teachers and then laugh at how many of them don't remember me. Ha I got a phone call and now I have plans so I am leaving.

Man oh man am I stuck in this rut. Its the pre-school limbo. Do I stay out late to treasure the moments or do I fix my sleeping schedule so I am not completely exhausted the entire first week of school?  The school, our school whichever messed up my schedule so now I have to go threaten to kick some ass and pull the "ap" student card just so my fuck up of a counselor doesn't do anything I don't want. I will probably just make my mom call. They take a parents anger more seriously than a students. I don't understand that though. I am in complete control of my own education and my parents have little to no say in the classes I take and the grades I get so why does the school only respond to my demands when my parents pose them? Age difference like always. I am too young for life experience and I am too young to have formed opinions of my own. My god its like until I am forty my entire existence has no substance. I learned today that Rusty's mom and sister think I am a bad influence on my cousin Carley, who by the way I see like three times a year if that. Yeah but they won't leave her alone with me because the "bad kid" that I am just might push her into doing something she will regret say- actually living her own life and forming her own opinions. I mean damn these people I am "related" to live in this fantasy bubble that everything is right in the world and anything that doesn't fit i.e me gets shoved to the back. Its not just me though my other cousin Calvin basically had to run away from my crazy "aunt". He doesn't fit in the picture, cast him out he's a devil worshiper. This lady actually got on Rusty's case for saying Fuck in front of her 18 year old son. Where is this world she is living in? Ah well. Someone told me that they were going to do something for me they have yet to do. I could get more vague but I am tired so I will just end it there.  

I have finally figured out my parents personal goals in life- to completely beat the will to live out of me. I think that is honestly what they are trying to do. I wake up today (when my mother tells me to) and take a shower and then I walk downstairs and do the dishes and after I do the dishes I clean the living room and then I go clean my bathroom. So I think I can take an hour break to watch Burn Notice (my new addiction) but I was tragically mistaken. My mother decides that the one hour I want to watch television is the best hour to nag me relentlessly about not having a job. So she asks me "Are you going to go look for a job today?" and I ignore her because I am watching my fucking show and she gets all pissed off and says "Fine then go plant a plant for me" and I continue to ignore her because I am watching television again. I should stress that I don't watch television all that often, almost never. My parents took the cable out of my room and I don't like being downstairs and nothing good is on ever anyway, so I do not watch all that much television. At most four hours a week. So when I want to cash in on my one hour I don't want my mom nagging me the entire time, but what I want rarely matters in this relationship. So when the show ends I am slightly pissed off and I ask my mom "What plant do you want planted" albeit with a slight attitude I admit, remember I was pissed, and she freaks out on me and tells me she doesn't want any plant planted by me and my attitude. So I follow her around the house asking her which one she wanted done but she won't tell me and finally she says "If you want to use the car tonight you have to go look for a job" so I groan and go upstairs to change and then I leave. I come back and Rusty is rearranging our living room so I asked him if he needed any help and he said "No not right now but I will need help cleaning" so I tell him "Okay just come tell me when you need help". I then notice a newish looking cable box sitting atop our television and I ask if we got a new one, to which he replies "No it is yours". Now that pissed me off more than anything because I take good motherfucking care of my electronics. All of them. I make sure my dogs don't chew on the remotes and I dust the main boxes once a week. Now the downstairs cable box is a piece of shit because the only people in my house who watch television downstairs are my little brothers who could care less what they destroy. So the remote downstairs is dirty and chewed on and broken and I asked Rusty "When I get a job I am going to get the downstairs cable box put into my room aren't I" and he said "yes, life isn't fair". Now maybe I am overacting-and there is a good chance I am, but I put effort into making sure my shit looks nice and my little brothers who have no respect for anything at all ever get my fucking cable box and I get the shitty one they ruined. Now how is that fair I ask you? Its not. They get everything they want even when they don't deserve it and me who keeps my shit tight gets nothing. Oh you know what I got today though? I got my car keys taken away. Yeah thats what I get for waking up on time and doing my chores and keeping my room clean and looking for a job. I get my fucking car keys taken away. What the fuck house rules crazyness am I living in? Rusty walks into my room and says "give me your car keys you don't deserve them you haven't been doing your chores" and I respond with "You're crazy I've been doing them and EXTRA what I am supposed to do" but he says that he spent two hours cleaning the downstairs to which I say " why didn't you tell me you were cleaning the living room when I offered to help, we wouldn't be having this discussion had you just told me you were cleaning" but he disagrees and takes my keys. ARG. So I know this is the longest post ever and the likeness of anyone reading it is slim and none but I needed to vent. And in my venting I have one last detail of the insanity that is my entire house. I was on the verge of tears by this point, so far it has not been a good day so I put on some music to calm down, or to be able to scream to the music and have no one hear. So all is good until Rusty knocks on my door and tells me to turn down my music because its annoying. So I overact and just shut off the music entirely. For some reason just turning it down would have been doing exactly what they wanted. So maybe they haven't beaten the will out of me just yet, but it's bound to come crumbling down any day. Maybe the day they decide to take oxygen away from me. 

to hear your name and pretend like it doesn't mean as much to me as it did that first day, as it still does now. It is hard to fall out of it again. Its impossibly difficult. It's brewing under the surface.

I let Katie read my story today and she liked it. I hope that means that it is good. I think it is but at the same time it is hard to judge your own work. I am kind of sad. Obviously because of my previous posts and my previous sentences which seem to take on a somber tone. :( I think I would like to go shopping. I haven't been in awhile but I need a job and money because clothes sound good right now. In fact new things in general sound good. I want everything new because I keep getting thrown three years back and I am tired of being stuck here. So new things. Fits my mood.

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I quit. I am left to fill role of martyr. There was a time when I felt I couldn't breathe because of the weight laid on my chest and I asked for one simple solution, the one thing I thought more than anything else would end my sorrow. A piece of information to slip into my head and I would know. It was something I did need to know and I asked continuously to be given the opportunity to know the secret which the world kept coveted. And continuously I was denied the right, the access to the knowledge. I grew weary and impatient and the world began to spin again. All was not centered around that single notion, but it was still there in back of mind haunting my thoughts a shadow drawn to the light. I didn't ever forget I just moved on. But the world decided that I needed a bigger remainder of what I had lost, so it shoved the knowledge of information on me, but not the actual information. I was being shielded and protected by an outside force, but I knew I knew there was something there the answers I had been looking for so I begged for it. I begged for coveted information and my will won outright and I was told the secrets. I was told the thing that had been holding me back for three years and now, and now there is nothing but the loneliness that comes from this knowledge. And suddenly I find I have been thrown back three years and all of the "maybes" and "what ifs" are jumping back up to hurt my heart once more. So I quit.   

You know I get kind of angry when I am looking movies up that Heath Ledger was in and every time you read his name it is always proceeded with "the late". We all know he is dead and I do not need the constant reminder because it just makes me sad. I think me being a fanatic about things has its prices. I imagine I would have more friends if I didn't get obsessive so easily, but then I also think I would have more friends if I was nicer and I actually liked people. Which I really really don't. So I am fine stuck here in my non-reality. Still no job, still no money but on the plus side two different people made me mix cd's so new music-Yay.  I am considering trying to fix my sleeping schedule, but I don't know what the point would be this late in the summer, and yes my brain did just register that too- this late in the summer. Senior year and the future is knocking. I am ignoring it but I imagine it will get unruly say the first day of school. I kind of like this site because I don't have to concentrate to write. When I am thinking about writing it is my passion but in this case its just me talking via keys. Oh as a random side note I think I may go make it my personal mission to find Shirley Phelps and punch her in the face. I would say murder her but what if shes right and there is a Go----wait Ha God. I have seen enough Csi episodes to get away with it too or so I hope. Besides George Carlin offers some good advice about not getting caught. ( The original version of that sentence was ridiculous- something about being "uncaught" which I assume is like being caught and then released) So the ramblings at 5:42 in the morning are a tad silly, but I promised Miranda I would update so now she can read this and have no idea what I am talking about. I should sleep.  

There is always some reference to music waiting just around the corner.

I am suffering through the pressures of extinction.

mmmm A story I wrote for Cw. It was my favorite of the year it deserved another circulation.

I know of an idea, a spark if you will that no other can know. To freely admit this would be tyranny. Yet to keep it shelved is disastrous to my persons. I do not dare speak of the evil that haunts me. My chest pounds with every encounter, my heart breaks with every release. The treachery consumes my soul, replacing it with fire and ash. It is all consuming. It has replaced the blood in my veins with the hatred from my heart.

How do I stop an existence filled with woe? How do I remember to become human once more? I lay down the rules in hopes that I obey them. I never do. I still try though. I try to overcome these thoughts that hold me back. They lie in wait, to attack me when I am least expecting a fight.

I am weak. I know not how to keep fighting the darkness within. I walk in the sunlight, but I’ve forgotten how it feels. There is no one left to be affected by my removal. They have all bowed out. Should this secret burn though my chest and tell the world, no one will be around to hear. When it leaves, it leaves an empty shell behind. I crumble beneath the force of gravity, out of alignment with time. There is no way to regain a former life.

Happiness and life are abstract concepts to me. That which all experience, I find I cannot. I am stuck in a void parallel to that dimension. I am watching the surroundings, but I am unable to reach out and change them. I cannot cross into the familiar dimension. I am stuck behind glass. Here in this place there is only death and destruction. The plants wither and the sun breaks. It leaves the world around cold and dark with an icy exterior. The air is so thick with doubt, that it suffocates and can end a life instead of grant it. I can see others just like me, but I do not think they know I’m here. I do not think that I am supposed to know they are here. I can see them, but I can’t feel them. How do you prove someone is there when eyes can play tricks? Is it possible that I long for company of others so much, I have made shallow replacements walk around in their stead? What a hollow world I have created for them, beyond the capacity to feel, destined to wonder aimless though time. I wish I could free them, but how could I when I can’t even free myself?

I awoke today with hazy recollections of previous days. I awoke for a moment, a second of spark and then I succumbed to my thoughts.

The market has very little to offer me now. The amount of food I consume has gone significantly down. I no longer feel hungry. This all consuming deleterious secret is threatening to break out. I went out to be free of the walls and people walked around me. They went about their day, completely oblivious to me. I truly have become invisible to the human eye. I cannot decide if I am angry about that or not. A piece of me wants to yell and scream and have everyone witness the pain that I contain inside me. Why are they too busy with their own problems, why can’t they even notice mine? The other part is grateful. If they do not see me than maybe this whole thing isn’t real.

I have to ask myself if I am in hell. Am I in hell? Did I stumble upon my demise and now I am stuck suffering the worst kind of hellfire. I am stuck on repeat, worse now everything is paused. Paused in hellfire.

A sweet smell passed through the stiff air that surrounds me. A wind blows in the smell of lavender. The smell of life. Does this mean I can feel again? I don’t feel any different and I don’t look any different. I breathed life into my soul, but the rest was far too rotted away to be revived by one scent.

The sheets move and lavender springs into the air. The pressure applied originally on the bed moves. I can feel only my weight now. The bathroom door opens and closes. The shower pounds water on the basin. I roll over and read the clock. Its ten minutes before the alarm will ring. It always happens this way.

I ran into the woods today. I sit beneath the trees and watch my thoughts get caught in the branches. They look like clouds strung up in the treetops. I ran from the room that held me captive. I ran from the ceiling that pushed in, that closed in. If I am closed in where do the clouds have to go? They simply bounce off the ceiling and glide around the room. They pass in front of my eyes, haunting me. They move around me and come close to touching me. I get a scent of a thought, and then it bounds away.

There it is again. The reason.

I roll out of bed and walk over to the closet. I had showered the night before, so no reason to walk into the bathroom quite yet. The water is still pounding. I flip the light switch. The walk in closet is shadowed by my presence. What am I doing today? I grab a shirt and jeans. There is nothing strenuous going on that would require my best or worse. The water in the pipes slows down. The shower door squeaks open. I hear soft feet on the rug. I hear soft feet on my soul.

There was a time before this current state, where I lived and breathed and walked and played. There was a time when it was beneficial to wake in the morning. When I wake for the morning now, I no longer see the sun rise. It is too late in the day. I scream into the night, I wouldn’t but my howling calms me down. Room to room, screaming until my lungs burst. Why should they be spared the pain, when every other part and small piece of my body aches? Why should my spleen be the only piece not to suffer the blows?

I love the smell of night. If you go out at just the right time it takes on a unique personality separate from all other times in the day. It has its own smell, taste, and look. It’s a refreshing feeling, walking amongst something new, something different. The stars shine a little brighter when they do not know they are being watched. The air opens up. With not so many people breathing it in, it can be free to take a sigh of its own. I think I will find my health in the comfort of night. I know of men who fear the coming darkness. The end of the day and possibly the end of a life. Who is to say that the sun will rise again tomorrow? Not these men. They cower inside their homes and set their lives around a schedule that should it please them they will never have the need to view the moon. Should it suite them they can fall asleep as the sun is the lowest and wake to find it in the same place, only rising instead of falling. I cannot respect a man that cowers before shadow. My own shadow is beating against the wall screaming “tear me down, just please tear me down”. I have embraced this shadow though. It has become me, and instead of cowering away from the coming darkness, I accepted. My indignation will not last through the rising sun.

I know that the door will not open in time. I know that it will take hours before the door opens. That is how it is every morning. I use the night, the day is held for more important matters. I walk away from the room because the water is no longer running and I know that it will not open.

The words I spoke fell on deaf ears. That was not the problem. That is what I considered the problem. The ears I spoke to heard more of what I said then my own. I spoke the words and I did the actions, but they were wrong. I thought I was solving. I did everything I thought was required of me, but I did not think on the same level. Why can I gain this knowledge when I am shrouded in darkness myself, and not before. Before I was one of the men who cowered before the sinking sun. That is the reason I could not solve the problem. I too afraid to watch the sun sink could not think past waking tomorrow.  

It’s been too long. Even for standards that are above high, it’s been too long. I walk back up to the room. I walk over to the bathroom door. There is no noise. That is not normal. There is always hustling and bustling before the door reveals the beauty. It’s been too long. I place my hang upon the doorknob. I turn it slightly and I push in. I walk no further than the doorway. There is nowhere to go in a sea of red.

Writing it down did not help as though I had wished it would. It was my purpose. To record every feeling and to analyze later.  The solution though, I have found it. I wish not to write it down,  but I fear I have no choice. Late into the day when the sun is high and I cannot see the oncoming night, the will of my own will fail. When it is recorded it will be final. I can take back a thought that I did not share, but I cannot take back a sentence that my hand spoke to paper.

I apologized to stone. It didn’t listen. Why should it have? I know I could have saved you. If I had stopped and looked at everything that was being said and all the things that weren’t being done I know I could have saved you. I was the only person in the entire world that knew the three things to say and I did not say them because I feared the moon. They carted you out and I lay on the grass. People walked by and claimed a pity. They knew naught of the solution I had burning in me. They knew naught of anything I could have done or said. They felt for me. Why would anyone feel for the one who could have stopped the problem? I denied that I could solve a problem I did not create. I realized it though. I did create it. To make everything perfect and everything work, to fix anything before it can be undone. I created an issue when there was none. I solved problems that didn’t exist and then when they did, I ignored them. I could have saved you, but I let you die because I didn’t think there was a solution.

So I made one of these for Miranda. She wants to know every detail of my life in blog form. I will probably forget to update though, so she will know every detail once a month. I find myself completely addicted to That 70's show, it is pretty much the only thing I have been able to watch all freaking summer. Watching it makes me sad though because I feel like my soul mate is a fictional character on television. I may go searching the world for a conspirator who rivals my own paranoia, and hopefully prove that I can fall in love with people who aren't fictional. Perhaps while I am out searching the globe I will find a job so my parental units will get off my back about not having money. I need to pay car insurance and what not. It is not fun I must admit. Jumping back to a previous though, I am complete fanatic about anything I have the slightest interest in. It is close to obsession but fanatic makes me sound a tad less crazy I think. Right now I am in love with the new Batman movie even though I haven't even seen it. There is just something so appealing about a morbid dead picture of Heath Ledger in a Joker costume hanging up on my wall asking me "why so serious". Why so serious? He's dead thats why so serious.  Anyway there is a boy who likes me and I do not feel the same which makes me feel bad at times. He is very nice but I am not interested also he lives like states away. Also I was totally in love with his best friend who killed himself, so that doesn't help his cause any. Oh well I can't force myself into something I don't want. Bob Marley is playing through my stereo so I must get up and dance before my ipod changes the song.